Get me the FUNK outta here...

Okay, so I am in a funk. I hate it. I hate being in a funk, I FUNKin' Hate it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to do with my career. I don't know what to do with my volunteer work. Nothin.

Where should I begin... I don't like working third shift. I don't hate it, kind of nice and quiet, but the sleep schedule sucks.

I want to work from home. I want to work, when I want to work. But I am so afraid of taking the leap and trying to start my own business. Could I actually do it? Am I good enough to have my own design studio? Maybe I should go back to school. I don't know.

I am tired of my volunteer work with the Cooperative. WAY MORE work than I ever imagined. Takes up WAY too much time and there is just WAY too much DRAMA! I can't stand drama. I have enough of my own! Then friendshsips get in the way and I don't know if I should be loyal, or make sure the work is getting done...

I don't know if I still want to be on the Board of Directors, or Just be the Communications/Marketing Chairperson or neither. I want my life back, but I can't afford to not be there. NO ONE can do the work that I do. If no one can do it, I fear we could loose our home and then where would I be? I don't know.

I am tired of WoW. Now that I made level 60, everyone expects me to help them out here or do this quest with them there, "because I am level 60 and have nothing else to do" or "Your in our guild so you have to help us".

Well no I don't, I just wanna relax and play and de-stress. I don't even like playin my 60, I have played her for SOOOO LONG! I wanna try a different character, but feel like I just have to check in every now and then otherwise I am labeled "Too Busy To Care". And I don't like that, before I was a 60, I helped everyone I could if they needed it and I happened to not be helping someone else. I did that since level 30. Can I be done now?....

So I left my guild. Not that I really wanted to, but I don't know anyone on there anymore other than my chracters and my two good Friends. And all these new people on there get pretty rude (see paragraph above). It isn't the same guild anymore. Lately I am never actually playing because I either have to try and break up a very heated/insulting discussion (and then get chewed out for trying to calm things down) or I get insulted myself and then don't feel like playin. I don't know.

I am tired of money. Even though I have a job, I am busting my ass to play catchup on bills. Then on top of that my car has to break and cost me $900 to fix (that I don't have). I hate it. Can I please win the lottery? Just once? Can I please win like 500 mil? I would be happy, trust me.

My family still wants a dome home, and I don't know how we are ever going to raise the $40,000 we will need for the downpayment (roughly a $300,000 home and I would need at least 10% to get that kind of a loan, if not more). It is so hard for us to save any money!

I don't know. I really don't know.

The only thing I do know is that I love my family and my wife and my mom and sister and brother-in-laws and sister-in-laws and just plain old in-laws. I love that aspect of my life, I just wish everything else would work out along with it.

"Life is an ocean. A twisting nether at one time, a calming plain another. Forever changing. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, but always changing; turning into something beautiful or something ugly. How we swim in that sea, determins our course. We either swim hard, or float through, or drown. But it is our choice that makes the difference." -- Bert Jones

Wow, I just wrote that. I don't really think of myself as a writer, but that just spewed forth from my fingertips. Hmm....somewhat satisfying actually. Kiki? Is this what it is like to write? Not knowing exactly what your writing until you think you are done? And then looking at it and feeling a completion? A gratification? I envy you. No, I take that back. I am lucky to know you.

All the things that you do, creatively at least, inspire me to try the same. You also inspire me to try harder, no matter what life throws at me. You inspire me to just try. Thank you for being my good (best?) friend.

Kiki?... You out there?... Hello?... (hehehe..LOL)

lots of free time...

well...

I turned down the 3rd shift assignment my talent agency offered me. I was miserable working 2nd shift and 3rd shift would only make it worse.

So as of right now, I am jobless. At least I will have time on my hands to finish some projects I had stored up. I just feel so unmotivated to do any of them.

as my world turns

i sit here not knowing where to begin...

i am writing in all lowercase because i feel so small in this world that likes to deal me shitty cards. i love my job and i love the company i work with. but i wish i had more control over my destiny.

i found out that the assignment i am on is terminating one of the full time positions. there are only two of us at night and my coworker has been there longer so she got to decided if she wanted the position or not. she did, so i am pretty much out. they are creating a pool of people they can call when they get major swamped. i am in it, but not for long. my agency is finding me a new gig.

i am amazed at how fast they may have something lined up for me. its third shift, lower pay, but at least amy will have the van all day and all night and i will be home (awake) when the kids get home from school and be here for them when they really need me. i will just have to get used to sleeping all day.

but at least my benefits will stay steady and so will the hours. i just wish the pay was closer to what i am making now. but i can't have everything.

(UPDATE: I never did take this assignment, they cancelled it. But, a year later, it came by again and I did take it.)

i am currently reimporting all my music cds into my laptop so that i can reorganize before i put them on my server. i moved my music around so much that i wanted to make sure i had the best quality. and now that i have sooo much space, i can keep all the albums and not just the songs i like.

once all that is done, i move onto importing old LPs and then onto scanning old documents.

currently in my ipod/playlist:

• Queen Latifah... Dana Owens Project
• Madaleine Peyroux... dream land
• sean paul... dutty rock
• and a mix of early 90s music

i also can't believe we blew right through all our tax money. but we had things we really needed. so i guess it is okay. i just wish we had a ton of money. i love my new home, but i really want to be living in our dome home right now. all that space and stuff. it be like living in an amusement park.

i am visiting with my old coworker/best friend from alpha on saturday. i am gonna help her get her nephews xbox set up on her network. i am also buying her drawing tablet from her, so that i can draw/paint digitally. i used to love to watercolor, but it takes space and is messy, but not for long.

amy bought me wonder woman season 1 and 2. i am happy about that.

i just wish my life was going better right now. a ton of money and lots of happiness. i just feel so helpless and lost and no control over my own life. i feel like a drone, just doing what the queen bee tells me to (no not amy)

not much else right now.

I'm In a FUNK-y-ness

I am really sick of life right now.

I really don't know why. I am tired of it. I am just fed up and done. Even shopping didn't make me feel better. (For those of you who really know me... this is my therapy.) Everything I bought I turned into a negative.

For instance, I bought this expensive component cable that is used to make your DVD picture really clear. I have wanted one forever, I finally got one today, and all I could think of was that I would now have to get behind my TV, mess with all that shit and try and get everything rewired and it would be too much work and it really isn't worth the hassle. Now, normally I would be estatic and not wait to get it all set-up. I got it set-up, but I was just bitchin the whole time.

I guess I am just fed up with no money, not getting straight answers out of people when I ask them straight questions, not enough time with my kids (I rarely get to see Courtney... by the time she is home from school, I need to leave for work), I have no social life, I have only a few friends in this huge world and I don't even get to hang out with any of them, no one reads this blog or even uses the forum.

That is one that really gets me. I set up this forum, so that my family (which has a ton of internet users) could use it as a resource to share thoughts, recipes, news, tips, etc. I am the only one who ever posted and like 3 other people. That is it. What a waste of space.

I set up this blog so that I could share my thoughts, my rage, my hapiness, news etc. with people I care about (since I am somewhat of a recluse and just keep to my family) so that they could know what is going on in my life and so that on some level we are still connecting. They can even leave comments on their thoughts to my thoughts and we can connect.

But no one reads it except me and maybe a few others... sporadically.

All these ideas I have and I can't get them to go. I hate it.

I hate that I always feel tired. I hate that I am fat and no matter what I try to do about it, something stops me and I can't move forward.

I hate that I am materialistic and want so much. Sometimes more than needs. But I blame my upbringing for that. My dad and My great-aunt only knew how to show affection by buying things. My mom at least would always say I love you and hug me. I cannot remember the last time my father's family told me they truly loved me other than a "You know I love ya"

At least Amy's parents both make me feel special. Her dad has claimed me as one of his own (so I have been told--he sure does make me feel like one of his own) and her mom calls me her Bert Baby and always makes me feel loved and accepted. So does the rest of Amy's family. And my children. I can't leave the house without them wanting to give me a hug and kiss goodbye (I am not complaining, I also realize it won't last forever and to cherish it)

So why the fuck am I so upset and so depressed. I am surrounded with loving people. Why does my world feel like it's crumbling? Why do I feel like I don't care about anything. Why does my life suck.

Is it really because I want more memory in my PC or that I want that G4 Powerbook and I don't have the money to get it RIGHT NOW!? It awfully seems petty if that is so.

But I don't think that is it. It's something deeper.

Could it be that I feel like maybe I have started down a lonely path that takes me further and further away from God? While Amy seems to be starting on a path that is taking her closer--without me?

I just don't know. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated and confusing.

I am just sick of it. I am sick of me...

Currently in my iPod (I have been meaning to update this):

• Car Wash... Christina Aguilera & Missy Elliot
• Little Grass Shack... Amy Hanaiali'i
• Lose My Breath... Destiny's Child
• Hollywood USA... RuPaul
• Holding Out For a Hero... Jennifer Saunders (Shrek 2)
• Funkytown (Kinda fitting)
• The Hukilau Song... Amy Hanaiali'i
• Who is it & Ocenia... Bjork